The difference between being codependent and being thoughtful is motivation.
Codependence - Fear of shame, abandonment or neglect of our needs and boundaries (distorted thinking/mind) can result in a mind-based need to fix, caretake, control manipulate or avoid abandonment (attachment to outcome). We do this by compliance and control which could be viewed as inauthentic games or strategies.
We comply when we people-please, denying our own needs, which leads to low self-esteem (since on some level we know we are betraying ourselves --who we are-- and what we really want). We also betray others by not sharing the hard truth they might learn from or by depriving our dependents of the opportunity to grow into healthy, self-sustaining beings who can think and act for themselves as Love and Logic experts advocate.
Control requires denial of our transgressions toward others and ourselves (be they aggressive or passive) and our own deeper needs (i.e. connectedness, intimacy) in favor of ego needs (e.g. being right). Control leads to low self-esteem since on some level we know we are betraying ourselves and others. We control through physical/aggressive and non-physical/passive forms of abuse and control. Physical/aggressive forms of abuse and control include physical pain, physical restraints, and sexual touch. Non-physical/passive forms of abuse and control include criticism, verbal abuse, misrepresentation, domination, emotional suppression of others, denying care to others, financial constraints and power tactics. (More details in the CoDA Blue Book Second Edition pages 118-120)
Whether we comply or control, we are often out of touch with our feelings and deal with them in addictive ways. We can't know what we need and want due to this lack of touch with that internal guidance system--our feelings. We are uncomfortable with others' emotions and seek to escape negative emotions through compliance and control. We are stuck in emotions, which are feelings perpetuated by repetative thought patterns, or we are emotionless and "live in our heads" in the realm of rules and logic, past and future, rather than the present including perception and sensation.
Thoughtfulness - When we have let go control through passive or aggressive means and trust in our Higher Power, our thinking and speaking are clear. We learn to ask ourselves "Have I taken care of myself?" regularly enough that we can give from an abundance of energy resources and a sincere and unattached desire to give to another person. We live from a place of heart-centeredness. We let go and accept what is. We love ourselves enough to get clear on what we really feel and want. We give ourselves what we need, simple pleasures rather than extravagances born of addictive needs to numb out negative feelings. Our thinking is clear from the distortions of compliance and control. We view ourselves and others as God created us and views us: whole, complete and perfect. We stop second-guessing God by accepting ourselves and others as we are and as we are not.
non-CoDA distinctions:
- the Buddhist "attachment"
- the Eckart Tolle "mind" and "ego"
- the David Burns' "cognitive distortion"
- the Love and Logic "helicopter" and "drill sargent" parents
- the Co-Counseling "real needs"
- the Landmark Forum "in order to" "what's so" and "inauthenticity"
